I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
