Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
