Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
