A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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