On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
