i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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