So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
