Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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