fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
