alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
