I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
