I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
