final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
