i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
