Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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