i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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