hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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