wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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