Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
