I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
