She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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