his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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