I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
