need another drink. this is the easiest way
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
