Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
