she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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