dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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