fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
