Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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