I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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