you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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