you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
