im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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