Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
