I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
even my farts smell like vagina
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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