i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
