you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
