Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
