Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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