I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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