we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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