I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
