So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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