I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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