im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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