right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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