i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
