my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
