Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
