I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
