how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
