mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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