oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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