Little spoons don't ask big questions
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
