listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
