I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
