I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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