So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
